Simply-Samantha

I have never truly been afraid of something until now. Not scared for my life but scared of the effect it will have on my life…and the lives of others. It more so can rip my dreams away from me and hold them over my head…for the rest of my life. No, I do not look sick or seem like I am in pain but that doesn’t mean anything. Just because you can’t see it…doesn’t mean it isn’t there! Hiding the pain was something that I did for a long time. So long, that I was even fooling myself. 

Every day, I sit and think about what can happen. How it will change things for not only me but for my husband. It terrifies me. I feel so lost. I do not want to let him down. Every day, I relive the pain that I went through. I know there is no cure. Just a temporary solution. Everything is just a temporary solution. It is depressing. Every day I get a little bit stronger but it is only because I am forced to be. 

I was diagnosed with Endometriosis at the end of 2011. My doctor assumes that I have had it since I was 16…possibly even 14. This is the one trait that I could have lived without! This can be triggered by starting the menstrual cycle at a young age. Young age huh? I was 9! Anyways, I was told that it was rare for the endometrial tissue could spread beyond the pelvis region. I was so fortunate to be one of the rare cases. My entire bladder was wrapped and it began to wrap around my other organs as well.  was in excruciating pain with no explanation until I was 21. With me as the example, nothing can ever be easy. :( My mother also was diagnosed with endometriosis. At 16, I was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. Yet again, how fortunate am I?

In February, after my first wedding anniversary, I had surgery. No, it wasn’t a major procedure but still a nerve wrecking situation. I was told pregnancy is “good for endometriosis” Hard to find out when you can’t get pregnant. It had progressed so far that there was no chance in hell to get pregnant. After the surgery, I learned he removed several cysts from my tubes and ovaries…most of the endometriosis was gone. Little did I know that it wasn’t even close to being over. How naive could I have been? I had no idea what I was in for! No idea that it was going to be such a long and painful road. 

My doctor suggested Lupron injections. We began the lupron injections to starve the rest of the endometriosis as he could not get all of it without causing damage. Fortunately, I am in the more advanced generation and could have the laproscopic procedure. I have one more left and the only thing running through my mind is this had better be worth it!!!! Not in the aspect of children but in the hopes of being able to still have any at all. I am trying to stay positive but it is difficult knowing that there is NO CURE…just temporary solutions. How many times will I have to go through surgery? How many times will I have to go through hormone treatments? Can I really do this? I know the changes that have come due to the Lupron. I am sooooo moody, forgetful, and tired. I can go from happy to depressed in less than a minute. It is rediculous.

I never realized how many people go through this. But, not knowing any in of the younger generations…makes it that much more difficult! I am fortunate to have this many people by my side but it still isn’t easy. I have a hard time talking to people about it. My husband has been there every step of the way…comfortable or not he has been there with me. I could not ask for more supportive friends and family! There are so many unanswered questions. So many lingering thoughts that keep me awake. So many worries that stress me out.

I was told to put my faith in God…that God will take care of me. I have faith in medicine and science. If I am not able to have children, how would I be able to believe in God? Yes, they say everything happens for a reason…but what is the reason? If God exists, why do bad things happen to good people? If God exists, why do good things happen to bad people?

I may be a lot of things to a lot of people but I know that I am a good person. I have a kind heart. I am caring, giving, loving, and strong. Yes, I have ruined many things. Yes, I have passed many speed bumps but I wouldn’t be me if I missed out on those life lessons. Often times, I have to learn the hard way. However, the point is…I learn from my mistakes and move on. I have hurt a lot of people. I have been hurt for a lot of people. It has all made me become who I am…it has made me stronger, wiser, and most of all thankful. I have learned to appreciate things in life…no matter how big or small.

Thank you to those who have been praying for me. I can use all the help I can get! :) 

This is what I have decided: I am going to have children regardless of how. I WILL NOT let my dream be ripped away from me! Why? Because what kind of wife would I be if I couldn’t help my husband carry on the Parker name? He tells me that we have each other and that is all that matters. Yes, this is true but I know deep down he is just as worried as I am. I am strong…stronger than most people think. It is time to be a brick wall again. I have kept to myself for far too long about this. I have barely spoken with my husband, friends, or family about how I feel.

I have decided to get a tattoo for endometriosis awareness. One, because I live with the pain. Two, because I am reminded every day that I am strong. Three, because it reminds me of who is really there for me…who actually cares. Four, because it needs to be known and understood. Five, because I am hoping for a cure…not only for myself but for the millions out there who experience the same things that I do. Stay strong, hope for a cure, and make others aware! 

Well, for starters…my name is Samantha Ashley.

The middle name has grown on me. I am 21 years old. 

Random facts about me:

I’m an aunt.
I am a college graduate.
I am happily married.
I like to scrapbook. 
I used to sing.
I am laid back, brutally honest and enjoy the simple things in life.
I love animals.
The favorite color is purple.
Love- Law & Order: SVU, Golden Girls, and Man vs Food.
I have a few “best friends.”
I have little to no confidence.
I have chosen the few family members that I want to be a part of my life.

My husband and I met in high school. I am thankful for every day we share together.  He is currently 24. It took a while for him to realize that I was “the one” but that’s not whats important. I have found someone that I can be myself with…all of the time!!! I have found my soul mate, my best friend. We are so similar that it is rather scary! It was like finding a reflection of myself in another person. 

and as usual I have been interrupted so I will finish this later…

okay, back to where I left off…

As for family, I only keep in touch with my sister Jen and her children, my aunt Mary (Nani) and my parents. Well, my husband is obviously included in that. I only consider few of his relatives my in-laws. Hardly any actually. The only reason they are not involved with us is because I haven’t provided them with another child to take over. At this point in time, I cannot have children but that shall soon resolve itself. Therefore, I am not good enough for my husband and he is worthless to them. Great “family” huh? They do not consider us family. I would like them to want involvement for my husband’s sake because he is very hurt by it. He says that all we ever had was each other and that he is okay with it staying that way but I know it hurts him. If any contact at all, they only call when something is needed! Never to say hello, how are you? or even invite us to dinner with a decent times notice. 

I can honestly say that I question hating few of them. Before the woman who gave birth to my husband met this poor excuse for a man, she at least cared a bit. Her men and youngest child always came first but at least my husband was still in the mix. We used to do EVERYTHING together. It is odd to look back on it now since none of it matters. I just wish that she would see how much she has changed for the worse and that she gave up being a mother for the man she “loves.” If sacrificing a family is what it takes for love then we obviously know where their priorities lie. 

The only one that genuinely cares for my husband out of immediate family would be his brother. Bare in mind that there is still some of his family that I have yet to meet but they are eager to involve us in their lives. I am thankful for that. At least we matter to some people. 

The topic of children: I had surgery just over a month ago. I have endometriosis. The doctors have made me aware that it was advanced and that it had began to wrap around my other organs causing excruciating pain. My cysts have also caused problems along the way. Now, hormone treatment is my present and future actions towards having any at all. It can and will come back without the appropriate treatment. So, for now…mood swings lead the way of me being an emotional roller coaster! Birth control for the rest of my life will supposedly keep the endometriosis from coming back. As for now, lupron injections are a temporary solution to shut shown my reproductive organs and hormones. Soon, we will jump-start my system and let it begin. Being through this once before lead me to hope/want…and maybe even think I could have been emotionless this time around but I was wrong as one could ever be. My husband has been great throughout this whole situation. I know that I have not been the easiest of people to deal with but he has been accepting and supportive through this. I could not be more thankful. 

I know now, that I will have children and they will be raised with all of the love and support that one could ever want. Certain few “family members” will be limited as to seeing them or being involved. If they cannot be involved with us now…then, they do not deserve to later!!!!!!!!!!!! Ordinarily, I would not hold back children from someone but at this point…I could care less about certain people’s “feelings.” As for my so called MiL-she whines until she gets her way but I refuse to give in. I am not spineless and I will not let her or any of the others treat my husband the way they do. Anyways, I am excited and am not so patiently waiting but it is only a matter of time before we can try. August to be exact. If we choose to…we can then begin to try and get pregnant. It doesn’t mean that we are going to right off but we have our names picked out and I know how I will tell him when I find out that I am pregnant. 

I have many aspirations in life. I want to be a nurse. Still not sure in what area but I will figure it out eventually. I know what I want…and I will make it happen. I graduated college with an Associates Degree in Medical Assisting. I could not find a job related to my degree after college. Less than a week later, I began a job doing Medical Billing. There was no sense in waiting for the right job to come along when I could take advantage of what was in front of me and gain work experience. 

Stress- Lately, I have been under a lot of stress. Not from just personal things but work as well. Do not take it the wrong way…I love my job. I just do not always like the people that I have to work with. There is a lot of pressure in my life and I needed to find the appropriate outlet where I do not feel comfortable expressing my every thought to one person. Not because of the content of conversation but not sure how they would be able to handle it. So, Why not write it? I used to blog on a regular basis but it was meaningless back then. Where I have real life problems, I need to vent constructively instead of freaking out like usual. 

I have touched on a few troubling subjects and will get there eventually but I want to relax and try to enjoy the rest of this evening.